- compiled by Terry Blanchard

Genesis

  1. Earth v1.0
    In the beginning there was nothing...then it exploded.
    2-3 "Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the face of the deep...And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light." The earth was still formless and empty but now you could see it.
    3 "God said let there be light" and Jesus flipped on the switch.
    Man v1.0
  2. 7 Heavenly CPR - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
    Woman v1.0
    25 Brave New (or should we say 'Nude') World - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  3. 6 Adam (to God): Hey Lord, I got 11 more ribs. What say we give it another go...
    Fall comes to Eden - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
    7 First words of fallen man: "Hey, turn your head! I'm buck naked" - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
    17 Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life and thou shalt take thy wife shopping for clothes. (Yes a curse) -Donald Walsh
    17-19 God said "Let me introduce you to Murphy and his Laws..."
  4. 15 Sign: Doesn't Play Well With Others
    16 Land of Nod - no it's not the back pew.
  5. Man v1.7 aka Noahware
    32 Ham? Hey dad, what type of Jewish name is 'Ham'?
  6. 10 Ham? Hey dad, what type of Jewish name is 'Ham'?
  7. 13 Ham? Hey dad, what type of Jewish name is 'Ham'?
  9. 18 Ham? Hey dad, what type of Jewish name is 'Ham'?
    20-23 What do you do with a drunken Ex-Sailor? - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  10. 1,6 Ham? Hey dad, what type of Jewish name is 'Ham'?
  11. 31 Go West, Old Man - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
    13. The Ballad Of Abraham (to the tune of the Ballad of Jed Clampett)

Come and listen to my story ‘bout a man named Abe,
Lived up in Ur where he married quite a babe,
And then one day as he was walking ‘round the sod,
He got a voicemail from the LORD our God.

Yahweh, that is.  The big "G".

Well the first thing you know ol’ Abe’s a chosen race.
The LORD God said, "Abe, leave your kin and place"
Said the Middle East is the place you ought to be
So he loaded up his kin and became an Israeli.

Kosher, that is,  Promised Land, Milk and Honey.

--------------------------------

Well, now it’s time to say "L’Chaim" to Abe 
and all his race.
Though for a time in God’s great plan 
the church has taken his place.
They’ll be stepping in real soon to fulfill God’s whole plan
When we are taken out of here and Jesus comes again.

Y’all be ready now, ya hear?


    10-20 Take my Wife...I mean, Sister...Please! - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible

  13. 14-16 Israel being a land with lots of rock and sand..."since you brought it up, God, what is the deal with all this dust?
  18. 16-33 Our next contestant on Let's make a deal: Abraham - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  19. 4 "...surrounded the house..." or as a Marine would say; "It was a target-rich environment."
  21. 1-14 All I want is the Heir that I Breed - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  24. The Lord had blessed him in every way ... his wife had just died...the old hag
  27. 1-40 The Old Man and Deceit - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
    32 Oh, oh, Dad's senile.
    15 Then Rebeka took the best clothes of Esau her older son, which she had in the house, and put them on her younger son Jacob. Then she gave him a choice the goats hair or the gorilla costume. (goats hair, just how hairy was this guy?) - Donald Walsh
  29. 21-30 The Wrong Honey on the the Honeymoon - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  32. 25 Getting all out of joint - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  33. He saw Esau - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  37. 10 Joseph replies, "Dad, I know you really loved mom but she's gone. Let go..." (Rachel had died already)
  40. 7 So he asked Pharaoh’s officers who were with him in the custody of his lord’s house, saying, "Why do you look so sad today?" And they looked at each other and then at Joseph and said "could it have something to do with the fact that we're in PRISON!!!!!!! ("Donald Walsh" <dwalsh4458@videotron.videotron.ca>)
    13-19 Joseph continues, "But when this happens to you, remember me and show me kindness; mention me to Pharaoh and ... oh, wait, never mind."
    7,    19 "Within three days Pharaoh will lift off your head from you and hang you on a tree; and the birds will eat your flesh from you. See, I told you I could cheer you up. Don't you feel better? ("Donald Walsh" <dwalsh4458@videotron.videotron.ca>)
  42. 5,15 Benjamin replies, "But I thought that if you didn't have your divination cup, you couldn't divine..."

Exodus

  12. 31-end An order of 600,000 Israelite Families - to Go! - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  16. 31-35 Manna is Hebrew for Baklava


    17. 32-34 Remember the scene from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' when the lid is removed from the ark and everyone's skin dissolves? Do you think maybe the manna finally went bad?

  19. 18 Smoke on the Mountain, Fire in the Sky - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  20. Moses coming down from the mount: "Behold, I bring you these three tablets wherein are 15 Commandments..Ooops (crash) two tablets wherein are 10 Commandments."
    12 Surely this proves Moses had a hearing problem - instead of HONOUR thy mother and father, he was told HUMOUR thy mother and father. -jmm_n@homail.com
  21. 23-25 An eye for an eye may seem like a good trade, but there's just no guarantee that they'll fit.


    22. 23-25 Eye for eye, tooth for tooth leads to a polite society... a blind, toothless polite society but a polite society to be sure.

  34. Moses coming down from the mount: "Behold, I bring you these three tablets wherein are 15 Commandments..Ooops (crash) two tablets wherein are 10 Commandments."

Leviticus

  9. 24 Hey, we know people and the people shouted 'Yikes!'
  10. 1-2 ...to which the LORD gave a hearty 'Well Done'
  15. 6-27 "Hello boss? I'm not going to be able to make it in today. I'm unclean again."
  16. 7-10 You know its going to be a bad year if ... the scapegoat gets mauled by a lion just outside of camp.
  19. 19 I think we're all happy that the whole "forbidden to wear anything woven of two separate materials" phase passed.  I would hate to be imprisoned for being a Poly-linenist.  And to think........they all probably wore 100%


    20. polyester leisure suits.  WOW what a sight!

Numbers

  11. 6-9 Manna is Hebrew for Baklava


    12. 18-20 Imagine God saying this with a bit of sarcasm

  13. 27-33 Little known fact: This was the spies' first experience using binoculars and they hadn't really gotten the hang of them yet.

Deuteronomy

Joshua

  6. 20 Ok, who brought the megaphone? Speaker system? etc. (HOLMAN-JD@fhssmtp.redstone.army.mil)

Judges

  7. 2-8 Company downsizing
  9. 53,54 Why not pick up the millstone and hit him again?
  19. 2 "...surrounded the house..." or as a Marine would say; "It was a target-rich environment."
  20. 16 Barbers?

Ruth

1 Samuel

  3. 1-10 Speak Three Times from the Ceiling if you want me - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  4. 1-3 Why didn't they consult God to see who was to blame? Could it be that they all felt pretty certain the lot would fall against them?
  5. 5 Step on a crack, break your false god's back.
  6. 4 Ewwwww!
    14 Serving God can be tough (when you're a cow), sometimes.
  7. 11 "Beth Car" - let's see... 'Beth' means 'house' and 'Car' means... Oh, I get it: Garage!
  17. 45 Javelin? Why didn't anyone tell me he had a javelin?
  24. 4,5,11 Exactly what part of Saul's robe did David cut off?

2 Samuel

  4. 4 In my church, we often create nicknames for longer Bible names. It so happens that the name "Mephibosheth" can mean, "Idol-Killer". Hence, we call him "Muffy the Idol Slayer"
  9. Entire chapter: In my church, we often create nicknames for longer Bible names. It so happens that the name "Mephibosheth" can mean, "Idol-Killer". Hence, we call him "Muffy the Idol Slayer"
  11. 11:14-12:12 Then David said to Nathan, 'I need you to take this letter to Joab...
  12. 1-12 See chapter 11
  15. 1 Sort of like Ross Perot claiming to be Napoleon and hiring an army to prove it.


    16. 13-15...like beat Absalom silly for example (hint, hint).

  16. 1,4 In my church, we often create nicknames for longer Bible names. It so happens that the name "Mephibosheth" can mean, "Idol-Killer". Hence, we call him "Muffy the Idol Slayer"
  18. 8 Forest killed... Think Wizard of Oz angry tree scene.
    9 A Really, Really Bad Hair Day - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible


    19. 25-26 If 500 men came running.. "Boy, this must really be great news!"

  19. 24 In my church, we often create nicknames for longer Bible names. It so happens that the name "Mephibosheth" can mean, "Idol-Killer". Hence, we call him "Muffy the Idol Slayer"
  21. 7,8 In my church, we often create nicknames for longer Bible names. It so happens that the name "Mephibosheth" can mean, "Idol-Killer". Hence, we call him "Muffy the Idol Slayer"

1 Kings

  1. 2-4 "It's good to be King"
  18. 32-35 Why was the water added? Gravy, of course.
  20. 35-37 The importance of saying 'Please'

2 Kings

  1. 9-15 The importance of saying 'Please'
  2. 12-14 Elisha tears up his own cloak but is surprised that Elijah's doesn't fit and goes around hitting everything with it.
    16,17 They thought they might find Elijah somewhere clicking his ruby slippers together saying 'There's No Place Like Home...'
    19-22 The original water softener
    23-24 Elisha was a little touchy about that bald spot
  3. 27 If your enemy starts killing his own, let him be.
  4. 3 Go to your neighbor to borrow a cup of sugar, hold the sugar.
  6. 12,13 He held planning sessions in the bathroom from then on...
    14,15 "...surrounded the city..." or as a Marine would say; "It was a target-rich environment."
  8. 1-3 If she timed it just right she could say "Give me my land and I'll end the famine"
    21 "...surrounded him and his chariot commanders..." or as a Marine would say; "It was a target-rich environment."
  9. 32,33 I guess we all know who must have made them eunuchs...
    33 "Ding Dong! The witch is dead"
  10. 8 Sounds like the start of a really bad sporting event (ie. dodgeball)
    17 Finding Ahab's 2nd cousin twice removed, 3rd times the charm.
  11. 16 "Ding Dong! The witch is dead"
  20. 5 Hezekiah at that point probably thought "Hurray, at least I have 3 more days..."

1 Chronicles

2 Chronicles

  21. 9 "...surrounded him and his chariot commanders..." or as a Marine would say; "It was a target-rich environment."

Ezra

Nehemiah

  3. Each family rebuilding the wall next to their home - sort of like an 'Adopt-a-Highway' program - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  11. 35 Sears?

Esther

  1. If you knew Susa like Esther knew Susa - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  2. 2 Star Search: 479 BCE - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible

Job

  3. All of the rest of the book (through 42.7, anyway) is in Hebrew poetry (metered parallelisms). I think this is a riot when you picture the historical characters singing their parts opera-style.
    3-6 Now we know what happened to February 30th...
  12. 2 Best putdown in the Bible. Job hadn't read 1 Peter 3:15

Psalms

  57. 6 Now we know what "Selah" means.  It means "Tee hee hee"
  106. 20 What else would a bull do with grass?

Proverbs

Ecclesiastes

Song of Solomon

Isaiah

  2. 4 Nowadays, those who beat their swords into plowshares, end up plowing for those who didn't.


    3. 4 Beat your enemies into plowshares.

  6. 5 We used to have Isaiah potatoes at Bible college (KJV) "Woe is me, I am undone"


    7. 9-13 So, Lord, I hope your not paying me by the convert...

  9. 7 "Of the increase of his government ... there will be no end" - No, Jesus wasn't the first Democrat.
  56. 4-5 "To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose what pleases me...I will give them an everlasting name that will not be cut off." Ouch. Talk about a painful reminder.

Jeremiah

Lamentations

Ezekiel

Daniel

  4. 33-34 Went from King over all he surveyed to..."Oooh, look.  That grass over there looks yummy"

Hosea

Joel

  3. 10 Nowadays, those who beat their swords into plowshares, end up plowing for those who didn't.


10 Beat your plowshares into swords and your enemies into plowshares.

Amos

Obadiah

Jonah

  2. Jonah was out of season - hence the catch and release tactics.
    10 ...and he never ate fish again.

Micah

  4. 3 Nowadays, those who beat their swords into plowshares, end up plowing for those who didn't.


    5. 3 Beat your enemies into plowshares.

Nahum

Habakkuk

Zephaniah

Haggai

Zechariah

Malachi

Matthew

  3. 13-17 Picture Jesus standing on the water and John saying, "um, we have a problem..."
  12. 9-14 Oh, so it's not ok to heal on the Sabbath, but it IS ok to plot murder...
    38 We're going to need to see some I.D. - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  14. 6-11 Proof that Herodias and her daughter were airheads: They could have asked for half of Herod's kingdom...the half that included John the Baptist, of course.
  16. 1 We're going to need to see some I.D. - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  22. 23-28 Talk about getting your brother's hand-me-downs...


    23. 23-28 Somebody give this lady a cooking class.

  26. 51 Notice that Peter, the hot-head, wasn't implicated in the earlier gospel accounts.  John was the only writer to name Peter in @95AD, after Peter was gone and couldn't hurt anyone.
  28. 1-3 Mary seeing stone rolled away "There he goes, leaving the door open again. You'd think he was born AND raised in a barn."

Mark

  1. 9-11 Picture Jesus standing on the water and John saying, "um, we have a problem..."
  2. 1-5 Jesus Heals a Ceiling Fan - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
    5 When Jesus saw their faith and heard the scream and thump of the man they dropped... -Donald Walsh (dwalsh4458@videotron.ca)
  5. 11-13 Then the Pharisees asked if Jesus had filled out the proper environmental impact statements.
  6. 21-28 Proof that Herodias and her daughter were airheads: They could have asked for half of Herod's kingdom...the half that included John the Baptist, of course.
  9. 21-24 The boy is thinking to himself, "Are you two going to talk all day?"
  11. 15-16 Jesus the Bouncer - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  12. 18-23 Talk about getting your brother's hand-me-downs...


    13. 18-23 Somebody give this lady a cooking class.
    41-44 Well, that's one way to avoid the taxman.

  14. 47 Notice that Peter, the hot-head, wasn't implicated in the earlier gospel accounts.  John was the only writer to name Peter in @95AD, after Peter was gone and couldn't hurt anyone.
  16. 1-4 Mary seeing stone rolled away "There he goes, leaving the door open again. You'd think he was born AND raised in a barn."

Luke

  3. 21,22 Picture Jesus standing on the water and John saying, "um, we have a problem..."
  9. 61-62 You can't just go back to a Jewish family and say "Goodbye Mom, Dad. I'm joining an itinerant preacher." Why not? "But son," the Jewish mother would say, "We have it all planned...Medical School for you, Law School for your brother..."
  20. 27-33 Talk about getting your brother's hand-me-downs...


    21. 27-33 Somebody give this lady a cooking class.

  21. 1-4 Well, that's one way to avoid the taxman.
  22. 24-62 Disciples Squabble, then they all fall down - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
    50 Notice that Peter, the hot-head, wasn't implicated in the earlier gospel accounts.  John was the only writer to name Peter in @95AD, after Peter was gone and couldn't hurt anyone.
  24. 1,2 Mary seeing stone rolled away "There he goes, leaving the door open again. You'd think he was born AND raised in a barn."

John

  2. 1-11 Lord Byron: The water met its master and blushed...
  5. 2-14 The man who was healed replied, 'Jesus, are you threatening me?'
  8. 3-7 (combined with 1 John 1:9) One man immediately confessed his sins and reached for a stone.


    9. 7 There was only one qualified stone-thrower and He wasn't pitching.
    7 As the crowd began to thin suddenly a stone came out of nowhere and hit the lady square in the noggin, knocking her out. Jesus frowned and looked out over the crowd. "MOM!" (contributed by rsa9086@garnet.acns.fsu.edu)

  9. 6 Here's Mud in your eye - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible
  18. 10 Notice that Peter, the hot-head, wasn't implicated in the earlier gospel accounts.  John was the only writer to name Peter in @95AD, after Peter was gone and couldn't hurt anyone.
  20. 1 Mary seeing stone rolled away "There he goes, leaving the door open again. You'd think he was born AND raised in a barn."

Acts

  5. 1-5 Ouch! Talk about being 'slain in the Spirit!'
  7. 57 ...covering ears, trying to drag and stone stephen - must have been quite a scene.
  17. 23 "To An Unknown God" Is this related to the Gong Show's "Unknown Comic"? - From: Scott Hargrove hargrove@nwi.net
  20. 9-11 Whispered to Eutychus "You're not getting out of my sermon that easy..."
    9 At last I understand that strict 'no sitting in the windows during the sermon' policy adopted in most churches. - dwalsh4458@videotron.ca

Romans

  1. Letter from Paul to Pope@Rome.com
  12. 1 The problem with living sacrifices is that they tend to crawl off the altar when the heat is applied
  16. 16 Paul considered having the congregation members goose each other as a way of greeting one another, but later opted for the much less offensive "holy kiss".  Today, we have the "holy handshake"

1 Corinthians

  10. 2 Pharaoh's army baptized by submersion
  11. 3 "...the head of the woman is man..." And at the head of every man who abuses this position is a heavy skillet followed by a headstone.


    12. 15 "For long hair is given to her as a covering." Didn't we learn anything from Lady Godiva?

  16. 20 Paul considered having the congregation members goose each other as a way of greeting one another, but later opted for the much less offensive "holy kiss".  Today, we have the "holy handshake"

2 Corinthians

  11. 24-26 ...and then on Tuesday... -Donald Walsh (dwalsh4458@videotron.ca)
  13. 12 Paul considered having the congregation members goose each other as a way of greeting one another, but later opted for the much less offensive "holy kiss".  Today, we have the "holy handshake"

Galatians

  5. 12 The Lorena Bobbit verse

Ephesians

Philippians

Colossians

1 Thessalonians

  5. 26 Paul considered having the congregation members goose each other as a way of greeting one another, but later opted for the much less offensive "holy kiss".  Today, we have the "holy handshake"

2 Thessalonians

  1. 11 Headlines: Bermuda Triangle expands briefly - Millions disappear!

1 Timothy

2 Timothy

Titus

Philemon

Hebrews

  10. 22-25 Salad portion of the Bible: Let us... (Lettuce)

James

1 Peter

2 Peter

1 John

  1. 9 See John 8

2 John

3 John

Jude

  1. Jude says "Hey!" - from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Bible

Revelation

  6. The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse:  Warning:  This is not to be taken literally!  They were not really horsemen...they were men riding horses.
  13. 18
    14.

    666

    number of the Beast

    668

    neighbor of the Beast

    660

    Approximate number of the Beast

    DCLXVI

    Roman Numeral of the Beast

    666.0000

    Number of the High Precision Beast

    0.666

    Number of the Millibeast

    666i

    Imaginary Number of the Beast

    1010011010

    Binary Number of the Beast

    1-666

    Area Code of the Beast

    00666

    Zip Code of the Beast

    1-900-666-0666

    Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66 a minute. Over 18 only please.

    $665.95

    Retail Price of the Beast

    $699.25

    Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax

    $769.95

    Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul.

    $656.66

    Walmart price of the Beast

    $646.66

    Next week's Walmart price of the Beast

    Phillips 666

    Gasoline of the Beast

    Route 666

    Way of the Beast

    666&deg;F

    Oven temperature for roast Beast

    666k

    Retirement plan of the Beast

    666 mg

    Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

    6.66%

    5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.

    DSM-666(revised)

    Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

    Lotus 6-6-6

    Spreadsheet of the Beast

    Word 6.66

    Word Processor of the Beast

    66686

    CPU of the Beast

    666i

    BMW of the Beast

    666-66-0666

    Social Security Number of the Beast

    29A

    Hexidecimal notation of the Beast

    1232

    Octal notation of the Beast

    2666

    Year of the Beast

    666.66.6.666

    IP Address of the Beast (class c)

    www.beast.com

    URL of the Beast

    20/666

    Eyeglass prescription of the Beast

    00666

    Double-0 Beast

    66 6th St.

    Mailing address of the Beast

    beast@hell.gov

    E-mail address of the Beast

    over 666 million

    served by the Beast

    1012

    Absolute temperature of the Beast

    333 v, 333 m

    SAT of the Beast

    xisxisxis or 999

    Dyslexic Beast

    066.6

    Dewey Decimal of the Beast

    .666

    Batting average of the Beast

    06/06/66

    D.O.B. of the Beast

    -666&deg;F

    Freezing point of the Beast

    -0.809016994

    sine of the Beast

    .9998443741

    cosine of the Beast

    111

    6 packs of the Beast

    2, 3, 37

    prime factors of the Beast

    222

    frilly piece of dance-wear, worn by the Beast

    29A

    Hex of the Beast

    295,408,296

    Beast cubed

    33 score and 6 days...

    The opening words of the Emancipation Proclamation of the Beast
  21. 1 New, from God: WorldPerfect Version 2.0